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Oskar Rollmop—Quarterback or Toreador?
What’s so bad about stabbing cows to death? argues Wilhelmina Fotzbodge,
after interviewing controversial quarterback Rollmop, who now plans to go
fulltime with the Mexican Bullbaiting League and abandon his stellar NFL
post with the San Marino Shibboleths.
The Old Statue of Liberty Play—Gone for Good?
Why is it, asks longtime columnist Jim E. Fyddler, that we don’t see such
grand old ploys as the Flying Wedge, the Hidden Ball Trick, the Alley Oop, the
Triple Reverse and other wonderful gridiron gimmicks practiced on Sundays by our paid
assassins?
Nostalgick Revue: Corked Bats and Spitballs
Ancient diamond prognosticator Luther M. Drybase delves into his
bottomless archives to regale us with eccentricities from the grand old era
when balls were soft and bats were hard and even the Black Sox were heroes.
Will the 2008 Face-off Be the Providence Angels v. the Scranton Firechiefs?
Head sportswriter Hudney Allbricht III probes rumors that to save money
Big Baseball is going small—back to AA League! Following the immense
popularity of cable-TV coverage for Kids’ World Series, Foreigners’ World
Series, Girly World Series, etc., baseball’s maharajahs may be at this moment
planning to steal home!
Let’s Bring Back Real Ice Hockey—No More Padding!
An indignant review of the so-called safety features attached to the ancient
Hibernian game of rowdiness and why the social impedimenta of worry has all
but eviscerated the old sport, by Rowena Snatterfeld.
Kick Boxing: Sport or Folk Dance?
A skeptical inquiry into these strange oriental-type games that have gotten
so popular among Yuppies and whether or not they are undermining the true
American Way of Life, by Republican political consultant Ima Jinggo.
Our Annual Jock Strap Issue, God Willing!
Sportzit art director Willowe Cattermole lays a prevue of our revue of
hunky guys in every sport, stripped right down as far as news stand laws
will let us go, in gorgeous color pix, from every conceivable angle, and
some you haven’t thought of! Mr. Cattermole has the eye of DaVinci!
New Life for Old Ping Pong Paddles
Ace TV handyman Paul Fingerjoint tells how to save $$$ by rejuvenating your
tired table tennis equipment and bringing your game right into the 21st century.
Your kids will thank you.
Is Contract Bridge a Contact Sport?
New evidence from investigative reporter Clifford Crumley that fistfights,
hair-pulling and under-table kicking are all part of the game when it comes to
the king of pasteboard rivalries, and you’d be a dummy not to read this!
Quoits, an International Revival
Roving reportress Knicky Holiday notes the world-wide resurgence in the old
steamship ring game once relegated to the closet containing the shuffleboard,
badminton and field hockey equipment. Now even the Chinese Commies are
flinging the circles!
Wiffleball for Wimmin—or Else!
An impassioned plea from sports nurse Jamaica Rigor for controls on the
dangerous sports of baseball and softball for women, with startling statistics on
the sheer volume of breast and buttock injuries sustained by the fair sex in such
rough-and-tumble brouhahas. With many color pix.
Why Not Steroids, Anyhow? (editorial)
A debate by our editorial staff on the up and down sides of steroids, human growth
hormone and other chemical miracles that offer limitless horizons to
athletic activity in the modern world, new thrills for waning audiences, new
ways to pad record books, inflate statistics exponentially and show a doubting
world that we are, indeed Number One. USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!
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