I enjoy your nostalgic essays most because they take my mind off what it has all become as everything heads down the crapper. —A.W

Who dat up dere say who dat down dere? —W. Herman

Dear jpt,
Your excellent essays looking back on the way we were offer a reminder that life goes on no matter what, with at least the spirit of a suggestion that somehow things work out. —Thank you, J & A

You welcome, Dude! —N.O. Staljiah

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Ahoy!

Glenda White needs an on-call hero to swing to her rescue at the first sign of trouble, as the much-beset Sweet Polly Purebred had her Underdog. Very nice to see her back on your pages. [Issue 9, Sep. 2008.] Please enter my nomination for Ms. White as "jpt Entertainer of the Month"! —Available (though Bedeviled)

Message received & understood! —Col. Blimp

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Dear Editor,
A long-time musicals enthusiast, I applauded Sylvester Slyputz for putting the awful Tut Tut Tutty in its deserved place on the dog list. [Sep. 2008.]However, I must take some exception to his similar disposal of Do Do, Can-Can, which was oddly exhilarating when you've been confined to a moldy basement for seventeen months like me and then unexpectedly get to go out. —V.O.

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jpt,
It does no good to stand on the seat, cuz Spudnut crabs jump fifteen feet. It does no good to stand on the seat, cuz Spudnut crabs jump fifteen feet.
—Just wanted to share the torture that has ravaged my brain since reading William Schafer's superb tale. [Sep. 2008.] Will I have to be lobotomized to be free of the little present it left behind? I have serous matters to attend. —Beltway B.

Here's another one for you, you cur! "Punch Brothers, Punch with Care/Punch in the Presence of the Passen-jer/A Buff Trip Ticket for a Five-Cent Fare/A Pink Trip Ticket for a Ten-Cent Fare/A Blue Trip Ticket for a Twelve-Cent Fare/Punch Brothers, Punch with Care/Punch in the Presence of the Passen-jer!" —Sam Clemens

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The Joyce of jpt [Sep. 2008]

Dear Editors,
Being a scholar of some note, of course I eventually discerned that the text of your "Ondt & Gracehoper" was not, as claimed, "lifted directly from James Joyce’s then-recently-released Finnegans Wake," but instead appears to derive from some parallel FW dimension. I call your attention also to the occurrence, in panel 6, of "Jeemy Joyocity," an obvious play on "James Joyce" —an indulgence that Joyce himself would have resisted. Otherwise the feature was diabolical in its verisimilitude. I'd venture there's not one mother's son in a thousand who could distinguish it from the masterpiece. In the interest of academic integrity I call on the Journal to retract the feature and produce the dangerous genius who gave it breath. —"H"

Oh, wow! What is the note you're "some of"? Part of The Lost Chord? —Ed.

The first time I looked at Ondt-Gracehoper I thought, "What the sh** is this?" About a week later I'm having a drink and decide to look again, and I swear I just sit there convulsing with giggles until my drink is gone. But I'm still like, "What the sh**?"
—Buford Pus

Dear Mr. Aptly Named Pus, I'm still like [what you said], too. —J. Joyce

Dear jpt,
Well-deserving take-off on Finnegans Wake. I got nothing of the book, wrestling it until it threw me off. At least you have pretty pictures. —G.R.

Dear Grrrrrr, one duddn' readily "get" Finnegans. It iddn' to get gotten, but to be had, if at all. —an unauthorized but considered statement from editorial secretary Sandle-Belcher.

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To the Editor,
Keep bringing the Professor Loose lectures. [Sep. 2008, July 2008] I get the essence of a self-analysis book in one-thousandth the time while having fun. Where are these lectures held, or does the location change? —D.P.

Dear D.P., if we told you the location we'd also be telling it to the Gestapo, wouldn't we? Watch the community events section of your newspaper for announcements that might or might not come. It is sometimes the case that only friends are allowed on selected premises. Usually chicks get in free.

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Dear Editors,
Your e-zine picks me up as I sit at my shabby university-issue desk and generally lament the hollowness of success. It seems, though, that lately you have taken a snappy attitude toward some of your readers. Come on, they're into jpt, so they can't be all-bad. If someone's a bit off, isn't it only right to extend a little kindness? —Bemused in Massachusetts

Oh, woe! I am justly rebuked! As a matter of fact, I AM —Just Lee Rebukt!

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inspired days of wine & seizures

Dear jpt,
I never thought I would see my spiritual complexities dissected and tossed on the table by an inspired scribe out of "Old Testament Meets Shakespeare of Saturday Night Live." The Seven Flowery Self-Pardons for Slippage in W.C. Smith's "The Pivotal Man of All Histery" hilariously exposed my own dearest hypocrisies. Duly chastened, I'm not exactly one to "go about upon the day with a sheen of appreciashon for [my] evil condishin" à la the Wicked Man, but I'm afraid I can't part with my survival chest of excuses and hedged bets. "So for now heel on," looking out for that "maul in the dark" brandished by Grimm. Nice stuff. —Southern Bard

My dear S.B.: The Author— redactor of the primeval texts, really— affirms being inspired, but did not key on you in particular, nor intend comparing you to anyone. He rhetorically wishes you well in your flight from accountability. —The Author's Spokesperson

Dear Editor,
What is the source of inspiration for the wacky characters and events in The Book of Wine & Seizures? Many don't seem to be drawn from identifiable historical counterparts. --Ash

One's dearest Ash: There was a time, long ago, when human beings were silly, and in all things were they silly. —The Author's Spokesperson

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.........And that's it! What we didn't git, that bit don't git got. Join us when we come unjoined. Toods!